Last week I was browsing second hand book shops in Edinburgh when I came across a large hardback about Scottish football, published sometime in the 1980s. At the back end of the book was an obligatory, but short, section about the importance of fans. “Without the fans there’d be no game etc.” Alongside this dullard’s prose I found a picture of Ian ‘Fergie’ Russell, the man who inspired my short story ‘Furlington Welfare’s Last Great Orator’, published in For Whom the Ball Rolls.
During the early 1980s I went to a lot of games at Hamilton Academical,
because my dad lived close by at the time. They played mainly in the Scottish
second tier, and attracted around 1500 fans to their now demolished stadium,
Douglas Park (it's a Sainsbury's). There are very few specific games that I can remember seeing
there besides a mildly surprising 2-1 victory over Dundee in the Scottish
League Cup. Truth be told, the most entertaining performer at Douglas Park was
Fergie.
Literary inspiration - the Late 'Fergie' of Hamilton Aacdemical |
A portly gent, then in his late 40s, Fergie wore a shabby, dark grey
suit and always had a red Accies scarf draped around his neck. His talent was
to bark out unceasing invective for the entire 90 minutes, regardless of score
and opponent.
Douglas Park was the standard, spartan Scottish lower league ground with
a stand and three sides of terracing. You could walk around the entire
terrace uninterrupted if you fancied a change of
view. Fergie fancied a change of view all game long, depending upon the object of his scorn and anger.
view. Fergie fancied a change of view all game long, depending upon the object of his scorn and anger.
Old Douglas Park - Fergie's stage. |
There was a story in one of the Accies' match programmes about an away game at Partick
Thistle, whose goalkeeper at the time was the much maligned Alan Rough. Fergie
stationed himself directly behind Rough’s goal and focused his rhetoric upon
the serially fallible net-minder. Bemused, the keeper made the mistake of
turning around and asking Fergie what his problem was. Encouraged by this
attention, the foaming fan spent the remainder of the game telling him exactly
what his problem was, and more.
The Accies improved for a while in the late 80s and were promoted to the
Scottish Premier League. After a rare 1-0 victory at Rangers, Fergie was
offered a lift home on the team bus, and team officials even gave him a bottle
of whisky, thinking that their obstreperous follower would be in a benign mood
after such a historic result. No chance.
He told the management and all its players exactly what he thought of
them: Fuckin’ yoosless, the whole lot o’ ye! According to his obituary in
the Mirror (Fergie died in 2009, aged 71), on the way back from a game at Forfar
he was thrown off the bus “outside a chip shop in Arbroath” for swearing at the
manager’s wife, the director’s wife and - it almost goes without saying - at all the players too.
In the late 90s he was banned from the club for using foul language - perhaps because a thrusting young marketing executive decided that the club needed to attract a core family audience. “If the Accies were
doing better,” he reasoned, “I wouldn't have to swear.” He still went to away
games, despite a £100 fine from Glasgow Sheriff Court for causing a breach of
the peace.
An introduction to Alf |
“Every week he [Alf] hated the referee from the moment the latter stepped
on to the Welfare’s scruffy turf at Lugdale Lane until around the time two long
hours later when he disappeared back into the refuge of his changing room,
Alf’s huge, prickly jaw bumping up and down and casting the last of his
colourful curses at the nape of the hapless official’s head.”
Like Fergie, Alf ends up a victim of the courts and the modern game.
There are too many grounds now where foul language is subject to zealous and
unnecessary control, which is a crying fucking shame. Football matches should
be where a young fan learns to swear with poetry and verve. Fergie may not have
been the type of bloke you invited round for afternoon tea, but his bitter-tongued ilk have long
been woefully absent in an age of sanitised glamour and cash-mining hype.
The Quiet Fan was published by Unbound in autumn 2018 and is here.
The Quiet Fan was published by Unbound in autumn 2018 and is here.
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